I did a most shamefacedly embarrassing thing today. As a result, I think I’m going to die.

After falling asleep in class, I headed over to my friend’s house to play Kinect with another friend. (I’ll mention here that I’d like to be able to distinguish them easily for you, but they’re both redheads who were in my Second City class/teen troupe so there’s nothing I can particularly use to differentiate them. Bear with me.) I was like, sweet, video game time, what do video games need? Snacks! So I headed off on my bike to grab some maybe chips or something I don’t know, but discovered I needed to hit an ATM first. On the way back from the bank I passed Krispy Kreme.

Oh no, you say. Oh yes, says I.

I bought a dozen. (This isn’t even the most shameful part.) Twelve delicious icing-soaked calorie behemoths with assorted flavourings to share between three girls. I am so glad that the model party wasn’t tonight instead because I would’ve been twice the weight, in addition to being half the height of everyone there.

So I biked over to my friend’s, which was stupid because she’s like four blocks away from me, and I headed in, doughnuts in hand. They were heated for 8 seconds and absolutely ravaged. Doughnuts were rent limb from limb (if doughnuts have limbs; if not, they were most certainly rent asunder). Icing was everywhere. And we Just Danced like crazy, pretending the calories were being burnt off then and there. (I still haven’t looked up the caloric value of a single Krispy Kreme, but I ate about four, so I’m pretty sure I don’t have to eat for at least three months.)

Time passed and one girl had to go, so my other friend and I went to get some dinner. I know. Dinner. After all that. Getting closer to the shameful part, but still not quite there yet.

We headed on up to Bloor to partake in some delicious cuisine from one of the many varied eateries. Sushi, sandwiches, salads, soups and all manner of healthy fare were practically at our fingertips. And after all those doughnuts, where did we choose to go for dinner?


If you don’t know what Smoke’s is, stop right now (thank you very much) while I expound a bit on the deliciousness of poutine. SMOKE’S Poutine.

Poutine on its own is one of the most glorious creations of Canadiankind. Forget basketball, penicillin, the Canadarm and Robin Sparkles. Poutine should be our prime minister. Poutine should be on all our currency. Trudeau was eating poutine when he decided how to lead the country through the October Crisis. There was a poutine shortage the day Rob Ford was elected mayor of Toronto. And that’s just poutine on its own, just naked fries coated in thick gravy and the squeakiest cheese curds imaginable.

Now cue Smoke’s Poutine. Smoke’s has done the near impossible in making poutine even more enjoyable and meal-worthy by modifying its basic structure and adding ingredients to yield such succulent delights as Pulled Pork Poutine, Nachos Grande Poutine, Deli Smoked Meat Poutine, and at least a dozen others including several vegetarian options (but vegans GTFO).

Keeping this gastronomical wonder in mind, try and guess what my remaining redheaded comedienne friend and I chose to eat for dinner. Also remember that the title of this post is FOOD BABY.

That’s right. Four Krispy Kremes and a Regular Sized Philly Cheese Poutine are now duking it out as residing ruler of my stomach and nobody is winning. I biked around my friend’s house twice before heading home, hoping that the extra exercise would do something – anything – to quell this feeling that I am going to die.

It’s no use. Everyone involved in today’s junk food disaster agrees, death is imminent. I’m pretty sure the only way I won’t die is if I drop out of school, quit my job, and concentrate every fibre of my being on digesting this lump of lard, icing, grease, cheese, beef and potatoes in my stomach.

But man, if I die, what a way to go.

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  1. i remember texting about how much we hated our food babies on the same day.
    i felt fine *before* i read this post…

  2. Love your blog!

  3. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  4. Great post!


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