Max

This is how he usually acts. This is how I currently feel.

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I’m picking out a Thermos for you

My brother, Mittens, and I recently watched Steve Martin’s The Jerk, a classic staple of comedic cinematography that our parents would not stop quoting, so we sat down to see why. Now we get it.

The scene that surprised Mittens the most was the romantic walk on the beach that Martin and Bernadette Peters’ characters share, because the song (Tonight You Belong to Me) was actually quite lovely, and went almost uninterrupted by something funny. I had heard the song before while working (briefly) at a bar called Insomnia (before I was fired for sleeping in… sigh) on a CD of ukulele songs, and had fallen quite in love with the vocal harmonies. So now that we’ve had proper inspiration, Mittens and I will join our sister‘s quest to learn to play the ukulele and form the world’s tinniest sounding band. What we really want is to add the almost-ten-year-old sister in on the upright bass to round out the sound.

Please welcome to the stage: Biggie and the Smalls!

Our first song would be Baba O’Riley, because we all agree that is the best song, and also it’s ironic because only one of us is currently a teenager. Also the beginning would sound hella awesome on ukuleles and the bass could possibly be played with a hammer.

EMI GET ON THIS THIS IS SOME GOOD STUFF

Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight

…having a wonderful time.

(Thought I’d ruin all your good-weather moods with a little earworm-maker known as Tiny Tim. Just try getting it out of your head.)

Today I had the most wonderful 19C picnic. Early spring (still technically winter), grass sprouting, sun warming the earth (and waking up the bees… oh, the bees), and two out of three of my siblings in the park near my house with a manwich apiece. Well, my brother’s was the true Dagwood, but he’s also 17, tall, and skinny, so that’s to be expected.

Anyway, I brought my trusty guitar Monty along with us and set up an impromptu jam with my brother. Baby sister said we should get a busking licence, because “well, you’re not doing anything, and he’s not doing anything… except lie around the house and be lazy. He should get off his butt and do music.” Which was her way of telling her plenty-older siblings to get a job. I WILL WHEN YOU DO

So there you have it. Summer employment opportunity in an entrepreneurial musical venture as coerced by an almost-ten-year-old. Sounds almost fancy when you put it that way.

My little sister gave me a bear

Apparently the best thing for writer’s block is a little brown plastic bear with big eyes. This is according to my baby sister, anyway. I asked her what I should write and she exclaimed “this!” as she thrust the toy in front of me. And I thought, why not? After all, most of her philosophies hold water.

For example, she theorises that since her job isn’t math, she won’t do math. Makes sense. She also seems to think sideways shuffling is a more effective mode of transportation than the traditional “evolved bipedal forward motion,” and currently is exhibiting the benefits of inverse standing over the more common “standing on your feet.”

I think society as a whole needs to adopt an attitude like this. Draw things that don’t exist. Sing as you skip down the street. Make up words (and dance routines). Make room in your life for a little reckless abandon. Maybe if we all lighten up a bit and stop taking things (like math) so seriously,  we can all be as happy as this little pixie.

Baby Sister

Though she sometimes does such amazing things as donating over a foot of hair to charity, my baby sister (almost 10 years old!) still has enough of our family’s ridonkeykong genes to completely astound you with her wtf-ness.

Case in point: as I’m sitting here in my parents’ house, my sister waltzes in with a shirt full of Lego bits and proclaims “I’m Patrick Star!”

So I ask, naturally, whether she can use her belly button lint to build things. She replies “No, but I can turn my stomach into a bed!”

What?

Love it.

Conversation with my brother after hearing about the name “Lefteriya”:

Me: Wanna go to the lefteriya?

Mittens: I’d prefer the rightstaurant.

Me: What about the ambideli?

Mittens: They’d serve both of us.

And the goods have been delivered!

Yesterday my dad got the shirt that I mailed him. I know this because he woke me up at 10 a.m. with a phone call. When I answered said phone call, I got an earful of him singing. 

Gung hey fat choi!

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year. So my half-Chinese, half-Irish family is celebrating in the traditional manner of our people: going to a Mexican restaurant.

Happy Year of the Dragon! Next year’s my year.

Someone was bored in the office…

I ordered a shirt for my dad off 6dollartees. It shipped today, and here is the message I got in my email to confirm shipping:

Our minions have looked over and dropped their jaws in awe at the genius
that is your amazing fashion sense. It takes true genius to pick such
impeccable design and color combinations, so naturally our crews’ first
instincts were to wear Kennedy masks, stick your order under their shirts
and flee. Luckily shock collars and therefore self-restraint have been put
to use and your order is safely packaged.

After the shocking and ‘Don’t tase me, bro’s were over, a ceremonial
candle was lit and suddenly the entire 6dollarshirts crew felt a massive
amount of dopamine release in their brains as our shipping specialist
tenderly placed the shipping label containing the following request:

[my dad’s shipping info]

As the package was sent on its way to you, our entire staff skipped out
into the street and did a full out 5-minute Von Trapp family dance routine
as we sang “So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu,
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu,” in 18-part harmony.

For the grand finale, Juggy hit the final “Goodbye” note and did a
cartwheel landing in a split.

We hope you enjoyed shopping on our website as much as we enjoyed
packaging and sending you your goods. We also hope this shipment
notification won’t leave you wondering where your package is as the
6dollarshirts Crew was VERY thorough with their shipping instructions.

Please practice precautions upon the arrival of your 6dollarshirts. Side
effects include but are not limited to: Larger biceps, defined cheek
bones, increased sexual prowess, thick luscious.. hair, attaining wealth,
promotions at work, rapid increase of IQ points, winning lottery numbers,
fat loss and double rainbows.

After this beautiful email, they invited me to send “sick and sexified pictures” of the shirt being worn. Seeing as it’ll be my dad in a Trololo shirt, I don’t think I’ll take them up on their offer.

Wednesday comic!

Like a Tuesday comic, only Wednesdayer.

My sister was only 6 at the time.

So I told you I would post part 1 later. This is part one! This is why little girls should avoid asking big sisters (with little to no censor buttons) why boys are boys and girls are girls. Little girls should ask mommies who have experience with this question. Actually, come to think of it, my mom was similarly blunt with me. Maybe not so anatomically specific, but certainly blunt… that probably explains a lot.