Baby Sister

Though she sometimes does such amazing things as donating over a foot of hair to charity, my baby sister (almost 10 years old!) still has enough of our family’s ridonkeykong genes to completely astound you with her wtf-ness.

Case in point: as I’m sitting here in my parents’ house, my sister waltzes in with a shirt full of Lego bits and proclaims “I’m Patrick Star!”

So I ask, naturally, whether she can use her belly button lint to build things. She replies “No, but I can turn my stomach into a bed!”

What?

Well, now you have it.

Fleshlight likes my blog.

Couldn't be prouder.

So this is what it feels like to hit the top.

LOOK AT MY FRIEND ALICE

She is Internet famous, which she compares to “when the barista knows your order.” Still, I think it’s wicked cool. Here she is with Second City parodying The Hunger Games:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fu-kv3YVqwA

She also attained Internet Fame over the summer with her “Harry Potter: Which House are You?” spoof, in which she played (according to Youtube comments) a “braindead Hufflepuff.” Having never read either The Hunger Games or Harry Potter, I can only assume she hit some sort of nail on whichever end is its head, because she’s been getting rave reviews (and also getting compared to Felicia Day in appearance).

So there you go. Via degrees of separation, you may now consider yourselves readers of a blog whose writer is friends with someone who is Internet Famous. Doesn’t that make your day just a little bit brighter?

You can check out Alice’s website here: http://alicemoran.com/

 

Love it.

Conversation with my brother after hearing about the name “Lefteriya”:

Me: Wanna go to the lefteriya?

Mittens: I’d prefer the rightstaurant.

Me: What about the ambideli?

Mittens: They’d serve both of us.

And the goods have been delivered!

Yesterday my dad got the shirt that I mailed him. I know this because he woke me up at 10 a.m. with a phone call. When I answered said phone call, I got an earful of him singing. 

Someone was bored in the office…

I ordered a shirt for my dad off 6dollartees. It shipped today, and here is the message I got in my email to confirm shipping:

Our minions have looked over and dropped their jaws in awe at the genius
that is your amazing fashion sense. It takes true genius to pick such
impeccable design and color combinations, so naturally our crews’ first
instincts were to wear Kennedy masks, stick your order under their shirts
and flee. Luckily shock collars and therefore self-restraint have been put
to use and your order is safely packaged.

After the shocking and ‘Don’t tase me, bro’s were over, a ceremonial
candle was lit and suddenly the entire 6dollarshirts crew felt a massive
amount of dopamine release in their brains as our shipping specialist
tenderly placed the shipping label containing the following request:

[my dad’s shipping info]

As the package was sent on its way to you, our entire staff skipped out
into the street and did a full out 5-minute Von Trapp family dance routine
as we sang “So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu,
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu,” in 18-part harmony.

For the grand finale, Juggy hit the final “Goodbye” note and did a
cartwheel landing in a split.

We hope you enjoyed shopping on our website as much as we enjoyed
packaging and sending you your goods. We also hope this shipment
notification won’t leave you wondering where your package is as the
6dollarshirts Crew was VERY thorough with their shipping instructions.

Please practice precautions upon the arrival of your 6dollarshirts. Side
effects include but are not limited to: Larger biceps, defined cheek
bones, increased sexual prowess, thick luscious.. hair, attaining wealth,
promotions at work, rapid increase of IQ points, winning lottery numbers,
fat loss and double rainbows.

After this beautiful email, they invited me to send “sick and sexified pictures” of the shirt being worn. Seeing as it’ll be my dad in a Trololo shirt, I don’t think I’ll take them up on their offer.

Wednesday comic!

Like a Tuesday comic, only Wednesdayer.

My sister was only 6 at the time.

So I told you I would post part 1 later. This is part one! This is why little girls should avoid asking big sisters (with little to no censor buttons) why boys are boys and girls are girls. Little girls should ask mommies who have experience with this question. Actually, come to think of it, my mom was similarly blunt with me. Maybe not so anatomically specific, but certainly blunt… that probably explains a lot.

Tim has been humming “YYZ” for, like, an hour.

Quotes from Tim this evening:

My mouth is like a party. Where everyone’s knitting. It feels like a 60s rug.

Let’s be mature about things. Penis.

UUUUUUUUSER. That’s a big deal in Tron, asshole.

ZOMBEHS

I’m not sure if I know about bird sex.

Well, my pants are halfway down my ass right now…

I dreamed of smoking up with dad. Kind of awesome, but not really. It’s like, if I’m gonna smoke up, dad’s not gonna be my first choice.

What?! That’s worse than people I know who can’t beatbox and they say “boots in cats”!

Let’s count ass cheeks… One.

What the hell was that?? Oh… Charlotte’s money.

That’s so great, my ass cheeks just applauded.

I’m going to shut up now. I’m going to start throwing Santa at you. Where’s your diet coke?

I tried to say you’re welcome, but I couldn’t burp long enough.

I’ll sing to you about creepy shit.

And a bonus quote from Alex:

Is that a Diet Coke I see?
If it is I’m gonna be
HAP-PYYYY!!

Home for the holidays

We’re listening to a food show mashup where they took all the innuendo and put it in a two minute sequence. Food has quite a lot of innuendo.

This is a family bonding moment.

Blog Party!

My siblings and I are all home for the holidays.

My siblings and I are all addicted to the Internet and our respective blogs:

Alex: http://tiltherewasrock.tumblr.com
Tim: http://itsnotmywordsthatyoushouldfollow.tumblr.com

My siblings and I are all, therefore, sitting in the living room on different computers, blogging at each other and leaving weird comments in each others’ inboxes. This is a blog party. These are their stories. *KUNG KUNG*

“I’m going to use bad grammar. And I’m going to use… wrong… grammar bits.”

Alex understands my pedantic attitude towards the use of the English language. She doesn’t care.

“So Kim Jong-Il won’t be able to look at things?!”

Tim gets upset about the loss of a tumblr account.

“We need a tape recorder for this conversation.”
“We need an actual recorder.” *plays the air-recorder*

Alex has questionable taste in musical instruments.

“Oh good, while I was tagging, ‘weird’ came up automatically.”

My blog understands me.

Me: Tim, say something funny.
*Tim gives me the most withering oh-please glare*
Alex: Why is it that in some places gay people aren’t allowed to marry, but Nickleback is still allowed to make albums? Think about it.
Tim: Alex… what.

Alex shows how much she loves creating awkward silences.

“Why did I just write Napoleon, I meant to write Nickleback”

I show questionable typing abilities and a total lack of concensgfertation

to be continued…